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Commentary How to buy booze if you look underage in San Diego By Brian Swarthmore February 20, 2006 San Diego--Kids, I know you think your old man is really a square and can’t understand the pain you’re going through. But I do. You see, I once looked too young to buy alcohol in the state of California. Luckily, I grew out of it. And you will too. I promise. But until you do, it’s going to require you take a few extra steps if you want to get trashed, zooped, bombed (or whatever descriptive term you’re using nowadays to describe being drunk).
For instance, when you’re hanging around outside of that Chaldean-owned liquor store, you have to know who is most likely to buy for you. If you’re a young looking male, wait until you see the trashiest woman you can find—any chick with a back tattoo (or “tramp stamp”) is a sure thing. Look at her with your most innocent facial expressions and tell her in your most polite voice, “Excuse me, miss. I don’t mean to bother you but I need some help. You see, there’s this girl I really like and I want her to be my girlfriend but she won’t go out with me unless I get some alcohol. Could you buy some wine coolers for me?” Trust me, there isn’t an unmarried woman under 30 who can resist that charming approach—unless she’s a nun, and you can usually tell that unless you’re already really drunk. If you’re a girl, make sure you’re dressed in a short skirt and wait around for a guy. Doesn’t matter what age. Doesn’t matter what sex. However, you probably don’t want to ask any man in a clerical collar. (They usually prefer to buy booze for underage guys instead.) Also, if your potential booze buyer is wearing any kind of shirt featuring the logo of the Army, Navy, Air Force, or Marines, it’s a guaranteed yes. Strangely enough, members of the Coast Guard aren’t into buying booze for underage drinkers, probably because there’s less of a chance of getting shipped out before their case goes to trial. Guys, if you have to ask a jarhead or swabbie to buy your booze, make sure you don’t have your date with you. They’ll try to steal her from you. A better bet is to ask a lesbian. They’re so open-minded, they’ll buy beer for anyone. The concern is the same, though: Don’t have your girlfriend with you because they’ll try to steal her from you. When choosing a liquor store, follow the old adage: Don’t shit where you eat. It is best to drive a few miles to a place where they don’t know you then it is to risk being caught by one of your parents’ friends. Now, some people try and change the date on their ID in order to seem old enough. If you can get away with it, fine. But not if your birthday falls on Feb. 29. Some guys who work in liquor stores are not only clock watchers but they are calendar watchers and know that Feb. 29 only falls on certain years. If you are going to attempt to pass for being older, you’re going to have to drink like an older person. Those liquor store cashiers are less likely to card someone who’s buying a good bottle or wine or handcrafted microbrew than a punk who is buying a 12-pack of the cheapest shit beer in the store. It will also help if you shave a bald spot on your head and attempt a comb over à la Ted Koppel. Who’s he? Someone old enough to buy alcohol. Another potential trick is to fake a foreign accent. Some liquor store employees can be convinced that if you come from a country where you’re old enough to drink, that you can drink legally in this country as well. If you do try to buy alcohol and the liquor store employee gets angry and threatens to call the police, whip out a fake badge and say, “I’m a member of ATF, and you pass with flying colors.” Then go to the liquor store across the street. Finally, if all else fails, you can ask a homeless bum. However, not all homeless people are bums and they get offended if you assume they’re all drunks and drug addicts. Also, you usually have to pay them in booze and money, and they insist you return all your empty bottles when you’re done so they can turn them in for the deposit. If you live in Santee but are trying to get shit-faced in Ocean Beach, this can be a hassle. Kids, I hope this helps. And have a great time out there on the road. Editor's note: Vyuz does not condone underage drinking. It has no problem, though, with kids over twenty-one who just look too young to drink. -------------------- Brian Swarthmore is a San Diego seminary student who is a proud member of many 12-step programs. Suggested Vyuz reading... Donna Frye talks dirty laundry and clean water | By Larry Knowles In San Diego, politicians aren't the only ones practicing sleight of hand | By David Moye Steve York, UCSD student pornographer, chooses law over porn | By Larry Knowles Who is Jane Doe? | By Larry Knowles The bare facts about Brazilian waxing | By Romina Cleary What pilots look for in airports, women | By Rob Potochnik The best and worst movies ever made in San Diego | By David Moye |
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