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Ask Jane

By Jane Doe

June 5, 2006

San Diego--I've written about what sexy is. Now let's talk about what it isn't. I've surveyed quite a few people for this topic and these are the top ten things that are just hopelessly un-sexy:

§         Visible nose hair

§         Body odor

§         Heavy women in half-shirts: If your abs can be described as a "roll", avoid the half-shirt. You can still be sexy. Just avoid this style.

§         Men in very short shorts: It’s particularly nasty when the heat kicks up and we can see your testicles drooping out the bottom.

§         Dandruff

§         Socks with sandals, or bad toes with sandals, or dirty socks

Anyway, here's to hoping you didn't make the list, and making some changes if you did! To your questions...

I’m a 19 year-old woman, and I’m finding it difficult, nearly impossible, to have an orgasm with my partner. Yes, we’re aware of the importance of clitoral stimulation, but even with oral sex I just can’t quite get there most of the time. Any ideas on how to break through this? I’m really very attracted to him and he treats me great. I am really worried about this and I worry a lot more every time we’re in bed. (Sandra)

Common problem, Sandra. Women often feel pressured to reach climax to prove they’re “normal,” all the while worrying about how their body looks, smells, and performs. With so many things to think about, sex becomes an ordeal! Here are some tips to help you out:

§         Stop the internal dialogue. Focus on your breathing or fantasize about something that turns you on (your boyfriend, Brad Pitt, Brad Pitt with your boyfriend,…whatever works!). Do not worry about what your body is doing or if you will or will not come. Just let yourself feel good.

§         If something feels good, tell your boyfriend, and don’t change positions. Sex is not an acrobatic contest, so when you find something good, stay in the rhythm.

§         Don’t worry about pleasing him. Afterward, you will, but for this part, don’t. He’ll be pleased that he got you off.

§         Masturbate when you’re alone. Figure out just what it feels like to climax, just what works for you, and how it feels when you’re close to orgasm. These cues will be helpful during sex.

§         Most women need clitoral stimulation. Pretending you don’t is ridiculous.

§         Stop worrying about how you look, feel or taste. He wouldn’t have picked you if you were a nasty ape, so he already finds you attractive.

§      Experiment with your breathing and muscle contractions. Some women prefer deep breathing, some like shallow when they’re getting close. Some prefer clenching their vaginal muscles, some enjoy relaxing them. Try it all. Find your way.

§         Don’t worry about losing control—that’s the best part!

I’ve never been totally confident giving my BF pleasure with my hands. I usually feel uncoordinated and abrupt. How does one give a good hand job? (Linda)

Most guys will tell you any hand job is a good hand job! If you have the opportunity to watch him masturbate—if he’s comfortable doing it for you—you can learn about his preferences for speed and pressure. Here are a few general tips, however, to get you started.

1.       Start slowly and build up speed. Also, start gently. Don’t yank!

2.       Use lubricant liberally.

3.       Use both hands, one on top of the other so that the entire shaft is covered.

4.       Let the hands slip slide up and down in slow pulsating motions, gradually building up speed.

5.       As the speed gets faster, you may alternate to using one hand and use the other to tease the area around the base and the testicles. (Gentle here—most men don’t like tugging.)

6.       Continue through the point of climax until ejaculation has finished. Stopping in the middle feels incomplete and not as satisfying for your partner.

7.       When finished, remove your hands. Avoid caressing the tip of the penis. It’s very sensitive after orgasm.

8.       Your turn!

Cheating is cheating. Don’t lie to yourself here. Masturbation is done by yourself, not with a paid participant. If it weren’t cheating, you could tell her about it, now couldn’t you? If you’re looking for a way to justify it, there isn’t one. If you’re going to cheat, realize what exactly you’re doing and use a condom for everyone’s protection. (I don’t advise cheating, but let’s face it, people do it.)

Are you contemplating cheating for the sake of the act, or for the sake of your buddy? If it’s the latter, peer pressure really went out of style in fifth grade. Hold your head up and tell him you prefer not to do this. He can have his fun, but the call girl thing just isn’t for you. You don’t need to mention your girlfriend or sound “whipped.” Just say you don’t want to--period.

And if you do get a call girl, how will it hurt your girlfriend? Well, let me count the ways: She could find out. (Your buddy doesn’t sound all that scrupulous to me.) A condom could break. Or you could contract one of the STDs that can be passed on even with a condom. Genital warts are are a good example. How’s that for a hurtin’?

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Jane Doe is a certified psychotherapist and internet exhibitionist. Each week she answers reader questions on sex, relationships, and exhibitionism. If you have a question, you can e-mail her directly at jane@vyuz.com.