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Ask Jane

By Jane Doe

June 12, 2006

San Diego--How many compliments have you given today? I don’t mean the ones to the hottie that served you a drink or your centerfold looking neighbor—that’s too easy. I mean to your coworkers or classmates, or people in line with you at the bank or in the grocery store. Sometimes the compliments that mean the most are the unexpected ones.

Knowing this, I’ve tried to make sure I look around and compliment people when I can. The key is to make the compliment honest and keep it simple. This week I’ve complimented people on their shoes, an attaché, a dog, a hairstyle, a tattoo, and various pieces of jewelry.

If someone has really moved on and wants nothing to do with you there’s zero chance. It’s just not possible to turn the volume up if the radio is turned off already. You’re better off moving on.

When someone beats their head against a wall, the wall doesn’t change, but unfortunately the head does (ouch). That being said, just because she says she’s over you, this doesn’t always mean it’s the case, particularly with long term serious relationships. If she still has feelings, then there is a chance.

Start by opening the lines of communication, maybe an email saying ‘hi.’ Do not pour your feelings out at first—you’ll sound drunk, or worse, desperate. Any whiff of desperation will lead to a power imbalance that will undermine what little of the relationship exists. If she’s at all interested, you’ll open up conversation and gently and easily go from there. Good luck, but remember, the good memories you have of your relationship aren’t representative of the entire relationship. Most people do break up for a reason.

Then again, there are a lot of talk shows where first loves meet again and marry,… so what do I know?

Can women and men really be “just friends?” Or is someone always waiting for the other to let their guard down so they can make a move? (Angie)

This is a tricky one. Men and women can most definitely be friends. Not only have I seen it, I’ve experienced it. However, it really depends on the circumstances and the individuals. If the people are completely different, for example, one is gay, or there’s a large goal differential, there should be no problems.

Usually you know in your gut if this person is after more than friendship. If you aren’t willing to give it, distance yourself gently. If you’re the person who wants more, recognize that if the other person calls you “just” a friend, that’s code for “A romantic relationship isn’t going to happen."

When one person is covertly trying to win the other, true friendship doesn’t exist, but a lot of frustration does.

I’m a 25 year old straight male. My friends go to strip clubs a lot and rave about how great they are. Why on earth would any guy go spend money on women who are only there for the money? (Adam)

There are two types of men that frequent strip clubs. The first is the type that thinks he is going to pick up a stripper. These types really think that they are the one person that the dancer isn’t playing, that she really likes him. These guys are often the same types that, when turned down, call the dancers names like ‘whore’ and ‘bitch.’ They tend to demean women in general, as well.

The second type goes for the entertainment, as though they were checking out a Vegas show or a pictorial in “Playboy.” These type of men are sometimes even accompanied by their wives or girlfriends, as it really is just good fun! I’d much rather my partner be at a strip club than some sleazy bar where the women are drunk and trying to hook up.

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Jane Doe is a certified psychotherapist and internet exhibitionist. Each week she answers reader questions on sex, relationships, and exhibitionism. If you have a question, you can e-mail her directly at jane@vyuz.com.