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Ask Jane

By Jane Doe

June 19, 2006

San Diego--We’ve all heard the phrase “No pain no gain.” It’s on all sorts of stickers and ads and in popular culture. But what should hurt and what shouldn’t? Some of the things that I think this axiom holds true for are: weight training, breakups, kicking drugs, tattoos, and boot camp. And, of course, there are things that should never hurt: being yourself, underwear, saying no, dieting, shoes, and…love.

My husband admits he masturbates a couple times a week. We have an active sex life and he says it’s great (and I agree), so why is he needing to do this? Is this normal? I have done it if he is sick or out of town, but not as a sport. What gives? (Lana)

I have a feeling that once I give you my honest answer, you’ll say I’m being catty and blow it off…. I don’t think this is really about jealousy on their part. There may be one or two who are jealous, but when a group of women doesn’t like you, it’s time to look at your behavior and attitude, not theirs.

You call them “plain” and “ugly ducklings.” It appears you’re relating to them as though they were inferior to you. Doing this won’t win any friends. Try complimenting them on their clothes or appearance or starting a conversation that you know they are interested in and take it from there. Basically, treat them as equals and they should respond slowly but surely.

No one likes a person who acts better than everyone else and then takes a martyr approach of “Poor me—I’m being persecuted for being so hot.” Not to be arrogant, but I’m fit, attractive and sexy and I have all sorts of older, conservative female colleagues who I consider wonderful mentors and friends. MEOW.

I’m an average guy who is casually dating at this time in my life (including hooking up). Why are there so many chicks who won’t stop calling after one night or start showing up everyplace they know I will go, trying to meet my friends, etc.? I am honest from the start that I am not looking for a girlfriend, I never lie and I go out of my way to be straight up. (Josh)

I commend you for being honest from the start about your intentions. If a woman still wants to hook up with you after you’ve made that clear, then she’s agreeing with the conditions set forth. A lot of men lie to women, and this isn’t fair at all. You, however, aren’t misrepresenting your intentions, so they knew the deal. I think a lot of women want to be “the one” who changes your ways. They convince themselves that once you’ve had her, you’ll never be able to let her go. When this isn’t the case, her ego is hurt—and nothing brings out the inner psycho like a sore ego. Here’s my prediction: Eventually you’ll hook up with a woman who wants nothing else…and you’ll fall head over heels in love with her! Life is just like that sometimes.

I am a good looking guy, 5'11, intelligent and manly. Many girls have commented on how cute I am but somehow I don't seem to have a girlfriend. I’m not afraid to talk to women, I am a good conversationalist, I am not the 'nice guy' that girls would rather marry rather than date. I understand all this stuff. I just want to get your opinion on what you think I should work on.

Well, without seeing/meeting you this is difficult. First off, consider the way you dress. Flip through a men’s magazine. You don’t need to be on the cutting edge of trendy, but your style should be in the ballpark here. Second, hygiene. Make sure you always smell good. You mention the word “manly.” Make sure that doesn’t mean stinky. Third, invest in an expensive haircut in a salon where they will tell you what’s cool and what looks good, or clip your hair down to almost nothing—a style that never goes out of fashion. Bad hair is a deal breaker. Fourth, consider whether you fall under the “boring” category. Make a few racy or daring comments. Be just a bit outrageous. Finally, act confident. Stand tall, even if you don’t feel it. (Fake it ‘til you make it.) I’ve seen a confident attitude work wonders! Since I can’t see you, I’m flying blind here, but you don’t have to!

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Jane Doe is a certified psychotherapist and internet exhibitionist.