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A men's guide to the top plays women run on Match.com

By Chaz Browning

July 31, 2006

San Diego, CA--Gentlemen, we’re getting killed out there. The whole world of online dating is exposing us for the buffoons that we are. Match.com is called Match for a reason, because it’s a contest. The site isn’t about meeting a partner—it’s about beating your partner.

The problem is, we don’t even realize a game’s going on, and that makes us look all the more foolish. Imagine if Tom Brady didn’t quite realize he was playing football, that instead throwing for the end zone, he stood in the pocket trying to impress linebackers with knowledge of real estate and red wine. Would you respect the guy? Didn’t think so.

I haven’t gotten my hands one yet, but I’ve seen plenty of the plays in the last year. Here’s a rundown of some of the most popular first-date maneuvers and tips on how to defend against them.

The Hug of Death

This wily move occurs at the end of the date, during the goodbyes. Typically, the two of you haven’t really hit it off, but, hey, you’re interested in seeing her again because you’re a guy and you’ll jump in the sack if given the chance.

As you stand a safe, respectful distance from her—you don’t want to come on too strong now, do you?—and tell her what a nice time you’ve had, she initiates a big parting hug.

Pop quiz. The hug is her way of saying: (a) “I like you!” (b) “We’ll never see each other again.”

Now, human-goddamn-nature would tell you that the answer is (a), but we’re not dealing with your average human. We’re dealing with a Match.com female, an adversary so cunning that normal coping mechanisms, such as intuition and instinct, are rendered utterly useless.

The answer, of course, is a firm (b). You never had a shot, Chester. She pulled a move on you known as the Hug of Death. It’s a conciliatory embrace that says, “You put in a yeoman’s effort, but you failed to impress.” It’s the last contact you’ll ever have with each other.

I know, I know….You’re thinking, I didn’t even make the move—she did! She wrapped her &*%$ing arms around me!

Welcome to the playing field. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and learn to play a little defense. Here’s how to protect yourself against the Hug of Death: Don’t let it happen. If she opens her arms for a hug, tell her something like, “I don’t hug anyone with my pants on” or “I don’t know you well enough.” Those open arms are like the grim reaper at your doorstep. Fall into the embrace and you’re dead….(continued)

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