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Women, your Match.com photos are like fruit, and some of them are rotten

By Chaz Browning

August 21, 2006

San Diego--Ladies, I know a picture says a thousand words, but sometimes I’d rather see the thousand words than what you’re putting up on Match.com. Of course, you’ve already got the thousand words in your introduction, so I’m not sure where the extra grand would go. Maybe you could use it as the first half of your “Ideal Date” description.

You understand that anonymous men pore over the pics the way little old ladies pore over fresh tomatoes. The male consumer hits your montage and tries to figure out which photo is most recent, which photo is least attractive, and whether your one body shot shows enough to eliminate any suspicion of photo fraud.

There are those of you, though, that show a complete disregard for the consumer, and that’s pissing me off. You put up photos so unappealing that if you ran the produce section at VONS, you’d be canned on the spot for ever letting these babies hit the floor.

Take to heart the following: the top four most common offenses in the Match.com produce department and tips on how to merchandise better.

The Cat Photo

The durian of Match photos. The Cat Photo is the most egregious offense on Match.com and sends men running in droves for the exits.

I don’t know how many profiles I’ve seen where the women have a photo of their cat—not them with their cat, mind you. Just their cat. It boggles the mind. A cat on a dating web site—it really boggles the mind.

It’s like a supermarket carrying a durian. Have you ever smelled a durian? It’s the most foul-smelling fruit on the planet. No supermarket will carry it and few consumers are willing to eat it. It’s just not worth the hassle.

And that’s the way men look at women who post cat photos. Sure, you might be attractive, and your cat might even be attractive, but no man wants to take on the issues that come with this type of woman.

What issues, you ask. For one, how about misplaced maternal instinct. You have a FUCKING CAT on a dating web site! Now some of you ladies may love your little Tinkerbell and think that Chaz is being a big meanie. Let me ask you this: How’s that Match.com thing working out? Not so well? Wellll, I have a little merchandising suggestion….

The Silly Hat Photo

The freak tomato of Match photos and a genuine turnoff. When you check out tomatoes in the supermarket, what do you look for? Normalcy, right? Nice ruby-red globes of goodness. Now what if you saw a pathetic-looking tomato with a split body and spiky appendages shooting from the rind? Would you put that one in your basket? Didn’t think so.

So, women, why do you put up photos of yourself wearing a goofy hat? I’m not talking about wearing a baseball cap sideways or one of those Andean ski hats. I have no problem with that sort of thing. They can actually be kinda cute. I’m talking about the novelty hats that make you look like a freak, or worse, a sloppy drunk. Headwear that fits into this category is:

Dr. Seuss hats, Uncle Sam hats, football helmets, earmuffs in warm weather, and hats shaped like butts or breasts.

As a rule of thumb, if you got really drunk at an awesome party and have a really funny photo of you wearing any of the above hats that your girlfriends all think is a hoot…bury it. Don’t let a single pixel hit Match.com. Hey, you don’t want to see freak tomatoes in your produce section. We men don’t want to see freak photos in your profile. Period.

If you just want to show all the guys out there that you have a zany side, here’s a tip: check “skinny-dipping” as one of your turn-ons. That’ll make you look sexy and impulsive, not freaky and drunk.

Cinderella Photos

You know this photo. It calls you like a siren. “Put me up!” “Put me up!” It’s the photo of you and six grinning guys, where you’re the center of attention, the belle of the ball. It’s a guilty pleasure. You know it’s not the best photo to put up, not for a dating web site, but you can’t help it. You just look so damn popular!

Cinderella photos are the display fruit of Match photos. Nobody wants to eat the display fruit. Honestly, it’s like this. You go into your local Ralph’s and see a new type of grape on display at the head of the aisle. Shoppers walk by, fondle the grapes, take a few samples. Let’s say you’re interested in picking up a bunch. Are you gonna take it from the display table. Come on, sister. Never!

That’s how men look at your Cinderella photos. You’ve just been handled and fondled too damn much. You’ve got too many finger prints on you. Guys will see you and think you represent a Match.com woman, not that you are a Match.com woman. They’ll go on to the next profile like they’re looking for that bunch of grapes in the back.

The degree that the display fruit has been handled matters, too. If you have a photo of you being held aloft by three guys in goatees who’re smiling like they just hit the trifecta at Hollywood Park, you don’t need Match.com. You need a thorough rinsing with soap and water.

Poorly Cropped-out Ex Photo

You see a nice looking Granny Smith apple at the supermarket, but it has a bite taken out of it. You gonna buy it? No chance.

Keep this in mind next time you put up a photo with your ex poorly cropped out. I don’t know how many photos I’ve seen where remnants of your man can be found in the photo. It’s bloody carnage out there. From slices of ear and cheek to orphaned hands around the waste, men’s body parts are littered throughout Match.com.

Photos with lingering exes are like apples with a bite taken out of them. Somebody’s gotten to you first, and it shows. And sometimes, it’s not just one bite; it’s as though the apple’s been worked over by a shift of migrant workers.

May I suggest a little quality –FUCKING-CONTROL? Get Photoshop. Learn how to use it. Hell, hire a graphic artist. Do what you have to do so that men don’t have to see other men’s cheeks, ears, hands, and feet.

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Ladies, you’re the produce managers in this supermarket we call Match.com. Take a little pride in your work. Spritz those melons, yank those bananas--and for gods sake don’t ever let any of the nasty fruit mentioned above out on the supermarket floor.

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