Paolo the Pilot

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Northwest Airlines flight attendants don't need a strike to start insulting passengers

By Paolo the Pilot

August 28, 2006

Paolo is the Vyuz aviation expert and a commercial airline pilot for a US carrier. He regularly answers reader questions about flight, flying, and aviation.

I drank a fifth of Jack Daniels on my flight from LA to Tokyo yesterday and now I don’t know whether I’m hungover or just jetlagged. How can I tell the difference? My girlfriend says I have a drinking problem. I say I have a flying problem.

You definitely have a drinking problem. Jet lag only affects wimps and malingerers. Stop partying and get a job.

Is it possible that Northwest flight attendants are going on strike just so they can turn the tables and hurl insults at passengers?

Nope. Everyone hurls insults at everyone already. Flight attendants don’t need a strike to do it. Just go to NYC and stand on a street corner for two minutes and you’ll see what I mean.

Forget sky marshals. Why aren’t there gate marshals? Think of all the infractions that go on in waiting areas: the passenger who puts his luggage on the seat next to him and refuses to remove it when the waiting area fills up; the woman who stares at what you’re doing on your computer; the jackass on the cell phone who speaks like he’s in his office with the door closed. I’m pretty sure these people wouldn’t have done these things if they’d known there were undercover cops ready to take them down for being assholes.

Good idea. I also think ticket agents should have a big red IDIOT! Button. When a passenger gives them grief, they punch the button, a trap door opens, and the passenger falls into hell, where they belong.

A Northwest Airlines flight just made an emergency landing because some morons were passing a cell phone around. I have a couple of questions. Who bears the cost of the flight being canceled? Will passengers get refunds?

“Morons” is correct. I think the Taliban should bear the cost. Maybe if they sell robes or head coverings that double as mops, they can raise enough money to reimburse the airline for all the petrol that was used. The airline went out of its way to accommodate the passengers and put them up in hotels at the company’s expense. The Dutch were very responsive as well, and kicked butt when needed.

Why would an airline with any ambition give itself a regional name, like Alaska Airlines, or Southwest Airlines? When they expand beyond their original territory, doesn’t it cause marketing problems? For example, when I see Southwest running a route from Manchester, NH to Raleigh, NC, I think these dudes don’t belong here. It’s just a reaction. I end up looking for a nice, safe USAir or American Airlines flight.

Did you hear what you just said? You referred to USAir and American. What do you think happens when these airlines fly overseas? The French pepperheads say the same thing you’re saying about Southwest. To answer your question, most passengers don’t care what airline they fly, only what the ticket costs. Cheapos!

What if there’s a US president who, like John Madden, is afraid of flying? Will we see “Amtrak One?” How about “Greyhound One,” a super decked-out bus with a nuclear launch command center by the rear bathroom? Just a thought.

Hey, great idea, a super-coach that travels 400 mph and comes with waitresses in miniskirts who provide massages and bed time stories. That’ll add a sheen to the already-glamorous bus industry.

Can you tell any difference in the auto pilot from one plane to the other? Do they have any kind of personality?

Nope, all work fabulously (used that word for the gay pilots).

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If you have any questions about aviation or the airline industry, e-mail Paolo at aviation@vyuz.com. If any of them are any good, he'll use them in his next column.